I [Heart] Colonialism—because the Heart stays in my Chest…
Let’s just rip the Band-Aid off — the only reason you’re alive, warm, fed, and scrolling this on a device invented by Western Civilization is because Catholic explorers like Columbus and Cortes had the courage, brains, and grit to go out and drag half the planet out of the Stone Age.
Yes, the Stone Age. And no, Karen-from-Twitter, “Stone Age” isn’t a microaggression — it’s a fact. Before Columbus, the Western Hemisphere was a patchwork of tribes that, in many cases, spent their time enslaving each other, clubbing enemies to death, and — in the case of the Aztecs — cutting people open and ripping their beating hearts out to feed their sun god. And that’s the world you’re weeping over? That’s your “noble paradise”? Give me a break.
1. Columbus: The Catholic You Owe Your Civilization To
Christopher Columbus was a Catholic man on a mission. No, not a “greedy colonizer” on the hunt for innocent vegan pacifists to oppress. He was operating under the Catholic Crown, bringing the Cross, charting new routes, and kickstarting the most successful transfer of ideas, technology, and faith in human history.
And no, I’m not doing the expected “qualifier” of “He wasn’t perfect”. I make zero apologies. He was a hero. He did something with his life besides major in gender studies and whine on the internet about “oppression” while sipping Starbucks from a climate-controlled apartment.
Without Columbus, the map you learned in school wouldn’t exist, the global economy as you know it wouldn’t exist, and your society wouldn’t have a fraction of its current standard of living. But sure, tell me more about how “problematic” he was from your $1,000 iPhone, genius.
2. The Noble Savage Fairy Tale is a Lie
This idiotic Disney-fied picture of pre-Columbian America where everyone was “in harmony with nature” is the biggest historical scam since “Karl Marx knew how economics worked.”
Before Catholic exploration, indigenous societies were not sitting in drum circles braiding each other’s hair. The Aztecs alone were sacrificing tens of thousands of people a year. Other tribes were engaged in endless war, ritual torture, and yes, slavery. And women? In many places, they were property. Bought, sold, traded. But yeah, let’s shed a tear for the “peaceful indigenous cultures” that were one big happy family until the evil Europeans came along.
3. Catholic Exploration Civilized the World — Deal With It
The missionaries who followed Columbus brought more than just European flags. They brought literacy. Hospitals. Agriculture that could actually feed more than a handful of people at a time. They learned local languages, wrote them down, and preserved them. They built schools, universities, and legal systems. They preached that every single human being is made in the image of God — a concept completely alien to many of the cultures they encountered.
You know what didn’t exist before that? The idea that human sacrifice is bad. Or that slavery is wrong. Or that women are not disposable property. You’re welcome. Oh yeah, they brought disease. So, thank Columbus for herd immunity too.
4. The Slavery Double Standard
Here’s a fact that will send your local activist group into cardiac arrest:
The West was late to the slavery game and first to abolish it.
The U.S. had legal slavery for about 90 years. Many other cultures had it for thousands.
African kingdoms, Arab caliphates, and indigenous tribes all practiced slavery long before they ever heard the name Columbus. Some African nations kept it until the 1970s.
But where are the protests outside the Mauritanian embassy? Where are the calls for reparations from the descendants of African kings who sold other Africans into bondage? Oh, that’s right — nowhere. Because this isn’t about truth. It’s about hating the West.
5. Western Civilization: The Gold Standard
You want receipts for why Western Civilization is superior? Fine:
The scientific method — Western.
Modern medicine — Western.
Constitutional government and human rights — Western.
Global trade that lifted billions out of starvation — Western.
The very concept of the “dignity of the human person” — Western and Catholic.
And no, Karen, your “every culture is equal, Coexist” bumper sticker doesn’t make it true. Cultures that practice mass human sacrifice are not “equal” to the one that ended it. Cultures that enslave entire classes of people indefinitely are not “equal” to the one that outlawed it. Modern cultures that treat women as chattel are not equal. They. Are. Inferior.
6. The “Without Colonialism” Reality Check
Take Catholic exploration out of history and here’s what you get:
No hospitals, no universities, no printing press in the Americas.
No large-scale agriculture beyond subsistence farming.
Continual tribal wars and slave raids.
Women treated as breeding stock in many cultures.
And eventually, conquest by somebody — probably not anyone more “benevolent” than Spain or Portugal.
But hey, at least you wouldn’t have to “deal” with those evil Westerners. You’d just have to worry about being hacked to pieces for a fertility rite.
7. Hypocrisy on Parade
The anti-colonial crusader uses Western free speech laws to denounce the West, Western technology to amplify their voice, Western medicine to keep them alive long enough to rant, and Western wealth to bankroll their activism — all while screaming that the very civilization keeping them alive is irredeemably evil.
It’s like biting the hand that feeds you while you’re still chewing the steak it gave you.
8. Stop Apologizing and Start Telling the Truth
Catholics should be proud of the explorers, missionaries, and builders who brought the Gospel, medicine, education, and human dignity to half the planet. We don’t whitewash the wrongs — but we also don’t buy into the historically illiterate garbage that paints Western Civilization as the villain of history. But, most importantly, I am proud of my Catholic heritage and make ZERO apologies for it.
Western Civilization — Catholic, Christian, European — is the greatest civilizing force the world has ever known. If you doubt it, try living without it. No antibiotics. No plumbing. No legal rights. No safety from your neighbor’s machete.
So if you’re still whining about “colonialism,” put down your soy latte, turn off your iPhone, and take a good, hard look at the civilization you’re spitting on. Then ask yourself: without it, would you be standing here to complain?
Spoiler: No. You’d be in a shallow grave somewhere, heart removed, as an offering to the gods of your fantasy “utopia.”
You’re welcome.