BREAKING — Dead Heretics File Class Action Against Austin Minister, Alleging Theft of Intellectual Property

AUSTIN — A coalition of ancient heretics has filed suit against the “Reverend” Babs Miller of St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church, alleging that the minister has been passing off their centuries-old errors as her own fresh, enlightened spiritual insights without attribution, licensing, or so much as a thank-you note. The Rainbow-clad Reverend is commonly known as the Pastoress to one James Talarico—current Howdy-Doody Senate candidate in Texas and well known “christian who hates Christianity.”

The complaint follows the release of undercover footage, reported by The Daily Wire, in which “Babs” explained that the Virgin Birth was borrowed from pagan myth, that Jesus may never have existed and it doesn't matter, that the Old Testament God is a vengeful brute, and that Christ didn't die for anyone's sins but was simply killed by Rome for being politically inconvenient. She summarized her method with the 12-step slogan "Take what you want and leave the rest."

"She took what we wanted," said a spokesman for the plaintiffs. "And she left the rest of the Christian faith. We'd like royalties."

Count I: Marcion of Sinope v. Miller

Lead plaintiff Marcion, a second-century shipping magnate excommunicated in Rome around A.D. 144, alleges that Rev. Miller's claim that the Old Testament God is violent, unloving, and basically mythology is lifted directly from his signature work, the Antitheses.

Marcion's filing notes that he did it first and did it better: he didn't merely complain about the Old Testament; he threw it out, along with three Gospels and most of the New Testament, leaving a Bible so heavily redacted it resembled a discovery production from opposing counsel.

Legal observers say Marcion's claim is strong but his hands are unclean, since Jesus Himself kept quoting Deuteronomy and Leviticus when summarizing the Law (Mt 22:37–40). It is difficult to argue that Jesus hated the God He cited as His authority. Tertullian, who wrote five books against Marcion, has filed an amicus brief consisting of all five books.

Count II: Celsus v. Miller

The pagan philosopher Celsus claims Rev. Miller infringed his A.D. 178 argument that the Virgin Birth is just recycled Greek mythology about gods impregnating mortal women.

Celsus is reportedly most offended that a Christian minister is now making his anti-Christian argument for him, for free. "I was a pagan attacking the Church," he said through counsel. "She's on staff."

Origen of Alexandria, who demolished Celsus in Contra Celsum, notes the obvious: the Greek myths feature Zeus arriving as a swan or a shower of gold with the manners of a frat boy. Luke features an angel, a question, and a young woman's free consent: "Let it be to me according to your word" (Lk 1:38). Confusing those two stories is like confusing a wedding with a mugging because both involve a man showing up at your door.

Co-plaintiffs the Ebionites and Cerinthus, who taught that Jesus was simply Joseph's natural son, have also joined, though Irenaeus has asked the court to take judicial notice that he already refuted them in Against Heresies in about A.D. 180.

Count III: The Docetists and Volney v. Miller

This count concerns Rev. Miller's claim that we can't know whether Jesus existed any more than we can know whether the Buddha did, and that it doesn't matter to her either way.

The "didn't exist" portion is claimed by French Revolutionary writers Volney and Dupuis, who popularized the Christ-myth theory in the 1790s between beheadings. Their case is weak, since historians of every faith and none overwhelmingly accept that Jesus lived. Also, the Buddha comparison has a problem: nobody records Tacitus mentioning the Buddha's execution under Pontius Pilate.

The "doesn't matter" portion is claimed by the ancient Docetists, who taught that Christ only seemed to have a body. Their attorneys, fittingly, only seemed to appear at the hearing, and the court is still unable to determine whether they have standing or a body.

Opposing them, St. Ignatius of Antioch testified by letter, written around A.D. 107 while being shipped to Rome to be eaten by lions, that if Christ only appeared to suffer, then Ignatius was dying for nothing (Trallians 10). St. Paul added that if Christ was not raised, "your faith is futile" (1 Cor 15:17).

The court also noted, with some amusement, that Rev. Miller is agnostic about whether Jesus existed but completely certain about His political motives and why Rome killed Him. She doesn't know if the man was real, but she knows exactly what he stood for. That is not faith. That is fan fiction.

Count IV: Pelagius, Socinus, and Reimarus v. Miller

The final count concerns Rev. Miller's position that Jesus didn't die for our sins, that Rome killed Him merely because He was a threat, and that a God sending His Son to die for us makes no sense.

Faustus Socinus, who in the sixteenth century declared the atonement irrational, alleges near-verbatim copying. Hermann Reimarus, who in the 1700s recast Jesus as a failed political revolutionary crushed by Rome, alleges she stole his entire plot. Pelagius, who taught that man doesn't really need rescuing, declined to hire counsel, insisting he could win the case entirely by his own efforts without any help from grace. He lost again, as he did at Carthage in 418 and at Ephesus in 431.

The Church notes this is a false choice so flimsy you could read a newspaper through it. Scripture never denies that Rome had political reasons to crucify Jesus. It simply says that wasn't the whole story. St. Peter preached that Jesus was "delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God" and crucified "by the hands of lawless men" (Acts 2:23), both at once. And Jesus Himself: "No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord" (Jn 10:18).

Rev. Miller's alternative leaves us a Jesus who died for nothing in particular, a sort of first-century community organizer who got unlucky with the authorities. It is a Cross with no meaning and a Gospel with no good news. One wonders what exactly she preaches on Easter. "He is risen, possibly, if He existed, which doesn't matter"?

The Ruling

The Catholic Church moved to intervene, arguing that every claim before the court is barred by res judicata. Each issue was fully litigated and decided centuries ago: at Nicaea, at Ephesus, at Carthage, and in the writings of Fathers who argued these points while the Visigoths were still a going concern.

The court agreed, but saved its sharpest words for the defendant's own motto. In its Order, the Court noted the word "heresy" comes from the Greek hairesis, meaning "choice." Therefore, a heretic is, by definition, someone who takes what he wants and leaves the rest. Rev. Babsy didn't merely repeat the old heresies; she actually recited the dictionary definition of heresy as her personal spiritual slogan and theology of her so-called “Church.” The court deemed this an admission against interest, noting it was like being arrested for shoplifting while wearing a T-shirt reading SHOPLIFTER.

Judgment for no one. The heretics recover nothing, since you can't own an idea the Church already condemned. Pastoress Babs was ordered to stop describing any of this as "enlightened," "progressive," or "new." She was further ordered to burn all of her purple priestess shirts and rainbow stoles followed by seeking confession and orthodoxy if she wishes to call herself a Christian.

The doors of orthodoxy remain open. They have been, for about two thousand years.