Ok, Boomer…
Continuing in the spirit of dividing the Body of Christ for fun and profit, it’s come to my attention that the phrase “Felt Banner Fueled Boomer” has ruffled some serious feathers. Apparently, modern sensitivities are so delicate that even an offhand jab at the Greatest Generation of Glory & Praise™ Warblers draws more outrage than ditching banjos for Benedictine chant.
But listen, I’m not about to grovel or churn out today’s mandatory apology (or obligatory “Some of my best friends are boomers!”). No, I’m flying my Boomerist banner high, right next to the ones my Catechism teachers hot-glued together for Pentecost, and I’m doubling down. Friends, I am not sorry. The Felt Banner Fueled Boomer Brigade can come for my kneelers and altar rails—but this Old Time Reverence is not going quietly.
Now, we really should define our terms. Many who most resemble the problem get angriest at the diagnosis. But look—if you’re physically or emotionally triggered by a Latin Sanctus, you’re probably already organizing a Priestly Petition and pastoral letter to protest this post. So, in the name of full disclosure, I hereby call for the full ERADICATION OF LITURGICAL BOOMERISM, everywhere and always. And, I ask you to join me in this most necessary crusade. DEUS VULT!
Now—If you thought “boomer” was just shorthand for “owns a Buick” or “calls memes ‘them interweb funnies,’” think again. This isn’t about age—it’s about an attitude so awkwardly earnest even synod organizers feel discomfort.
So, consider this your official guide to spiritual boomerism, because the disease spreads faster than a free-range drum circle at an otherwise functional suburban parish.
The Boomer in Their Natural Habitat: Why Age Is Just a Number
No, no. Being a “boomer” is not about the year you were born. It’s a spiritual condition, a worldview, an affliction of the soul and is accompanied by emotional hand gestures during “Here I Am, Lord,” and an inexplicable fondness for felt and Glory and Praise hymnals.
There are 25-year-old boomers drinking fair-trade coffee while tweeting “Traditional Catholics are toxic” from their iPhone in a theology class taught by the deacon who owns Marty Haugen’s Greatest Hits who’s weekly topic is about pronouns and inclusivity.
Boomerism is in the bloodstream. It is passed down liturgically like a sacred virus. Once exposed, it manifests in allergic reactions to reverence, hierarchy, and dogma.
So if you think you’re safe from the title because you were born in 1993 and drink oat milk, buckle up. You might be more boomer than the man whose Facebook feed is exclusively Fox News rants and blurry iPad photos of his dog in a MAGA hat.
The Expanded Boomer Definition: Do You Qualify? (Spoiler: If Yes, Repent.)
Unsure? Let’s break it down. If you exhibit three or more of the following, congratulations: you are spiritually a boomer.
You believe “God doesn’t care what you wear to Mass”, especially if it’s your golf shirt from 1995.
You refer to actual Church teaching as “rigid,” “outdated,” or “a little intense.”
The terms “thurible”, “ad orientem” and “Magisterium” are unknown to you but you have every verse of “Sing a New Church Into Being” memorized.
You clap during or after Mass like it’s a performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
You love banners. The more felt, the more Spirit. Especially those that have Elmer Glued phrases like “All Are Welcome” and “Love Wins.”
You accept Pentecostal Protestant Praise Music in the Mass—e.g., Hillsong, Vertical Worship, Chris Tomlin. The more it “moves you” the better!
You are filled with the “Spirit of Vatican II” and are upset that “And With Your Spirit” replaced “And Also with You.”
You believe anyone who prefers Latin in liturgy is “divisive” and “probably a white supremacist who should be investigated by the FBI”. Yes, that happened.
Also, if you take comfort knowing your Parish had no chance of being a target of FBI surveillance.
You think adoration is “too quiet” and doesn’t “engage the senses.”
The Boomer’s Mass: The Only Miracle Is That Anyone Returns
The Order of Boomer Mass inside the Boomer Basilica adorned with Hippie Jesus:
Opening Hymn: “Gather Us In,” sung in “E” at the tempo of despair.
Presider’s Joke: Father “Cool” regales us with tales of his cat’s gluten allergies and why we should all be nice to gluten.
Homily: “Just be Nice” or “Top 10 Tips to Live Authentically in Your Relationships.”
Missing Themes: Four Last Things, Sin, suffering, dogma, and anything Jesus might have actually said or done.
Offertory: A Hymn from Chris Tomlin, Hillsong, Vertical Worship or anything from “Soft Jesus Vibes, Vol.4” or “NOW that’s what I call Heresy, Vol. 6”
Communion: BYO hands and BYO reverence. Served by 45 Eucharistic Ministers borrowed from Costco’s Free Sample Section.
Communion Hymn: “Sing a New Church Into Being” (as if the old one wasn’t built by Martyrs)
Dismissal: Reminder to Recycle Your Bulletin and to Sign Up for Bingo in the Narthex.
Tabernacle: See that room labeled “Supplies”? Search behind the mop, bucket and thurible for Christ.
Spotting Boomerism in the Wild: Survival Tips
Look for these signs:
Wardrobe: “ASK ME ABOUT RCIA” pins, ill-fitting retreat hoodies and shirts imprinted with “Love Wins”.
Vocabulary: “Safe space,” “lived experience,” “sacramental journey,” “circle of trust,” “mutual accompaniment,” “my truth,” “inclusivity” and, of course: “Synodality,” “Ecumenism” and especially “Spirit of Vatican II.”
Accessories: An unread King James Bible, a handful of “The Chosen” DVD’s, a chipped “Prayer Warrior” coffee mug, and a confused look whenever anyone says “Magisterium” or “Sacred Tradition.”
Transport — Eco-friendly mini-coupe in parking lot that looks like it escaped from a carnival ride with new Coexist Bumper Sticker next to faded Knights of Columbus “Keep Christ In Christmas” Magnet
Special Move: Summons the parish council and shrieks at the slightest hint suggesting reversion to reverence.
Exorcising Boomerism (You Might Need an Actual Exorcist)
If you find yourself afflicted, there’s hope. But it will hurt. Because truth costs.
Here’s your treatment plan:
Delete your “Soft Jesus Vibes vol. 4” Spotify playlist.
Burn your copy of The Shack.
Buy a real Catechism. Published after 1545 and before 1970.
Go to Confession. Like… real Confession. With an actual priest.
Pray the Rosary. Kneeling. In Latin. If necessary, while holding back tears.
Stop calling reverence “divisive.” Start calling irreverence “insulting.”
Read Scripture. Not through the lens of your trauma counselor, but through the lens of the Magisterium.
Admit that guitar Mass is a crime against both God and sound itself.
ITE MISSA EST…